I’m not as bold as I think I am

30 Mar

I’m a Christian. I love God. I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. He is my Lord and Savior. My entire life is lived around this Man and I love Him so much! And YOU can as well.

There, that wasn’t so hard…was it?

I’m not looking any of you in the face though. I don’t have to try to answer your questions or hear your negative feedback. My heart isn’t racing because I am so nervous about what you’ll say or think. I’m not worried that our relationship will now be tense because of what I’ve confessed or done.

Or,

I’m not watching someone tell you those exact things either. Which is the reason I am writing this in the first place. Nick and I went to see Braille (hip hop artist with Humble Beast) in concert last Friday night. We thought he was the only one performing and that a bunch of Christians would be there with us. How surprising was it then that when we showed up we realized this was NOT a Christian club nor were there “Christians” present. Many other bands were playing before Braille. And even though they weren’t good by a long shot, they spoke to the people in the crowd. They were full of anger, lies, and lust.

I was nervous. I was a Christian amongst unbelievers. And some hip hop artist was about to perform about JESUS. That was the reason we were there. I mean we obviously weren’t cheering for anyone else.

I was still nervous when Braille came on stage. “Maybe you could tone it down a little, Braille? Please? Don’t embarrass us. I’m POSITIVE people will throw us out to the dogs if you mention His name here. Do us all a favor and let’s lay low.”

How disgusting are my thoughts, oh Lord! In the midst of the God-glorifying lyrics Braille was singing, my heart was stricken. Prostrated. This was the perfect place to spread the name of JESUS! In the midst of anger there is love! Where there is lust, purity! Instead of lies, there is TRUTH! I clapped. I cheered. And I meant it.

Why? Why am I so afraid? Why is my heart stricken with fear at the thought of mentioning Jesus? How much has He done for me? More than I could EVER repay. My life is in his debt, forever. I need Him and that evening proves how much so. I am so crippled by sin. I’m so Human! I am not very bold. I like to think I would die for my Lord, but I can’t fool myself. I’m a coward and I can only become strong through His strength. Lord, help me.

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3 Responses to “I’m not as bold as I think I am”

  1. Margaret V March 30, 2011 at 10:17 pm #

    This gave me chills. Struggling with similar now, especially since most of my few friends here are non-Christians. I’ve started reading Hosea, because I feel like the wife.

    Thank you for this honest post.

  2. Jens March 30, 2011 at 10:40 pm #

    Thankful with you Becky that God is a lion while we may yet be lambs. That it’s his power and not our boldness that keeps us in his hands.

    Was Braille in MN?

  3. jenna March 31, 2011 at 8:18 am #

    good post, beck. resonates.

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