Adoption update :: Inside my heart 3 weeks later

23 Jan

It’s been 3 weeks since our adoption fell through. Honestly, it feels so much longer than that. An eternity perhaps. I’ve had a lot of time to think. To pray. To vent. And even cry. I look in our baby room and wonder if it will ever be filled with the scent of our child, the sound of our child. I even woke up last night thinking I heard a baby crying. Of course, I didn’t really.

In the time we’ve been home, so many friends have blessed us with a comforting silence as I talked and talked. Or with meals and laughter. Almost every time, they want to hear the story. And we tell it. Sometimes, it takes all my will power not to cry. Other times, I smile thinking about how far we’ve come. Sometimes I’m shocked to realize that this story we’re telling, it’s ours. I never thought I would own such a strong, heart-breaking, powerful, God-exalting story. But I do now. It feels like a huge responsibility. One that I pray I use wisely.

My heart still hurts. I pray for that little girl. I pray that she is being loved and well taken care of. For the birth mother, I pray that she is getting rest and being taught how to be a good mother to her daughter. Mostly though, I don’t grieve over that little girl. She is being taken care of and I am so thankful for that.

I grieve because of the loss of a dream, a hope. I was almost a mother. Motherhood was so close I had it in my arms and then it was whisked away. There was nothing I could do to grab it back. I couldn’t fight for it no matter how hard I wanted to try. Twice within 14 months this had happened to me. I still don’t know why. I often wonder if I will ever know. That first week I believe I was in legitimate shock. There were no emotions. Just, deadness. The second week, I was feeling it. Looking at our baby stuff was painful. Seeing babies was painful. This third week was harder. My birthday came and went and I still was not a mother like I had been dreaming I would. I cried a lot that day. And hearing babies crying at night? Yeah, that freaks me out. Dreaming about my child is slightly less freaky but has also happened.

I hadn’t realized this until a friend pointed it out to me, but I am reading a lot lately. And I’ve been staying up super late. Super late being 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning. I love reading, but when I obsessively read, it’s because I’m dodging from stress and pain. When I stay up so late, same reason. I’m not hiding from reality, I just need a respite from it all. I look back, and realize I read a whole book in the waiting room before meeting the birth mother about why she wanted to keep the baby. A whole book! I’ve read 4 or 5 books since then. And I haven’t gone to bed early one night since coming home. I need to remedy that.

So for those of you who have been wondering how I am dealing with my emotions and such, my answer is: I cry at random times, always alone. I am reading like a mad-man. I’m staying up ridiculously late. It’s how I deal. I’m not blaming God. He’s been my rock. My love. I can not even wait to see what He has for Nick and I in the future. Obviously, I’m not liking His time frame (which is non-existent), but that doesn’t mean I’m not trusting. I would have nothing if not for my faith. Nick has been a wonderful husband to me. Marley keeps me laughing and is like the baby I don’t have (scoff if you want, but seriously, I think he knows that I’ve needed him). I couldn’t ask for better friends. Oh man, I am so blessed by them. And sometimes, I am just very happy and ready to party all night long!

We still need prayer. Adoption is not easy. But it’s the road we’re on and one we will stay on til the journey is over or until God leads us a different way.

us on my birthday. happy, in love, waiting, and trusting.

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4 Responses to “Adoption update :: Inside my heart 3 weeks later”

  1. Jena January 23, 2011 at 3:32 pm #

    Oh Becky… We love the heart the lord has given you two. Thank you for sharing how you’re doing. I’ve been praying for you and now I know more of what you are experiencing and how to keep praying for you guys. I love you … And miss you.

  2. Molly January 23, 2011 at 6:03 pm #

    We did a lot of that in the first months after Felicity–stayed up waaaay to late for no reason at all. AND I read a TON. Interesting.

    And we watched a lot of movies.

    It’s just easier to try to numb it than feel it all the time. Not that I’m saying that’s *good*, it’s just what happens sometimes.

    The Lord will give you grace to deal with the pain and disappointment in Becky-sized portions. He knows just when and how to ask you to press into the next bit of it, and by His grace and mercy, you will. Love you, girl.

  3. Kristin Tabb January 23, 2011 at 9:57 pm #

    Thanks for this good update. I love that you can be both honest and faith-filled at the same time. It was good to see you guys the other night, and… I’m glad you have Marley to be your court jester right now. ;)

  4. Margaret V January 27, 2011 at 6:52 pm #

    We’re mourning for you as well. I know (for me at least) there’s a little while where I need to not talk about grief before I can start to open up. I was grateful to read this post, because I’ve been concerned. I’m so glad to hear you’re holding fast to God. *hugs from a distance*

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