Adoption Update :: When it fails…

2 Jan

I’m not writing today to introduce
you to my sweet little girl. I thought I would be. I’m not going to
tell you the name we had picked out, as it isn’t her name anymore
and we’ll use it again…someday. She has a new name now. And a
family that loves her. And me? I’m picking up the pieces of myself
that I’ve strewn along this long path. Sewing them back together
and moving on toward the next journey. I haven’t cried yet. That
kinda scares me. I’m sure the flood gates will open soon. She was
precious. My mind wandered so far down into the future that I’m
still struggling to bring it back to the “now.”

Is this unfair? Am I angry? No and
no. I don’t deserve to be a mother. And how can I be angry when I
wanted that child just as much as she did? I didn’t have 9 months
to bond and love her. But that mother did, and her heart yearned.
There are a lot of levels to the story of our time with our birth
family, but I think they are better left unsaid. But I’m
embarrassed to come home after all this time without a child.
Devastated that it turned out this way. I hurt badly. I will soon
cry.

Jesus is my
fortress. He knows what I need. There is another child out there
that I am supposed to love, care, and nurture. My flesh cries out
“I’ll never get to be a mother!” and “When will it be
my turn?” But I know. I
know. What we just went through wasn’t for
naught. Nick told me today to think about how many people we will
be able to help now. The trials we go through make us stronger and
able to care for others that go through the same thing. While I
wish this had never happened and it feels like a bad trade, I know
it’s true.

Nick has
been a great comfort to me, and I hope I have been one to him as
well. I wish that he didn’t have to go through this. I wouldn’t
wish a failed adoption on anyone. But our marriage is being
strengthened. Our love is strong. Our relationships with people
have been out of this world.

Most of all, I have been astounded by
the many, many
prayers that have gone out for us. I am overwhelmed by the love of
people I don’t even know! You all have been a great source of
comfort and have given me the will and desire to move on. I don’t
think I can fully recover from a loss like this. Especially after
seeing the baby we thought would be ours. But it’s becoming doable.
Thank you for loving Nick and I so fully. We do love and appreciate
you as well. Keep praying for us. There are rough days ahead. But
also glorious ones. We press on.

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12 Responses to “Adoption Update :: When it fails…”

  1. Sarah January 2, 2011 at 5:52 am #

    Thank you for being strong in the Lord, Becky. You endure this season with a grace and maturity that is beyond your years. I am so thankful for you and am fervently asking God to fulfill your longings soon, but ultimately in His timing and sovereign way.

    Love you, friend.

  2. Sarah H January 2, 2011 at 7:47 am #

    Hey Becky, we’re praying for you guys. We were praying and we’ll continue to pray. We pray especially for the strong hope that Jesus can produce in us through trials. I’m praying for you Becky that you would be like Sarah the wife of Abraham, who “was not afraid of anything fearful,” and the Proverbs 31 woman, who “laughs at the days to come.”

  3. frogla January 2, 2011 at 8:08 am #

    i am sorry to hear this! i see you both on twitter often. i am so encouraged for your attitudes and love for Jesus. i am praying for you both!

  4. Louis Tullo January 2, 2011 at 8:39 am #

    Becky, I don’t know you except through reading your husband’s blog/twitter but when I heard about the road you’ve been on to adoption my heart burned for you both. I can’t begin to imagine the journey it must have been to greet your birth mother only to have that plan fall apart. I hope you continue to be strengthened by the assurance that God’s plan for you and your husband having a child is still in full effect. He loves both of you and knows what you need better than you do. I am trusting that God has something great in store for you and am so blessed seeing your steadfastness to Christ even in this time of testing. May the love of Christ fill you both!

    Standing with you in prayer,
    Louis

  5. monica January 2, 2011 at 8:50 am #

    Becky,
    Thanks for opening your heart to us all! Praying for you and Nick as you go through this heart break!

  6. Andie January 2, 2011 at 9:08 am #

    Dear dear friends. You are precious. We love you. It is a real privilege to walk through the adoption journey with you. We are so thankful for your friendships and my couch is free for a cry and some coffee any day.

  7. Janice Evans January 2, 2011 at 10:41 am #

    My heart hurts and I think it’s because when you said, “I wouldn’t wish a failed adoption on anyone”, I feel the same way- yet it has now happened. Through multiple failed adoptions we have be strengthened in the pain and absence of the child(ren) we long for. God stands with you, embracing you and crying with you right now. His arms are mighty and tender.

    It was comforting for us to know God’s plan was designed for us, to refine us. Kevin and I do not know y’all very well at all, but we have been praying and thinking of you guys this whole time.

  8. Clint Collins January 2, 2011 at 11:27 am #

    Becky,

    Leah and I are glad we met you and Nick. We are praying for you both and praise God for strengthening you in this way. The child God is going to give you will be blessed because of it.

  9. thebowblog January 2, 2011 at 2:22 pm #

    Becky… I love reading your thoughts. Thank you for writing and sharing how you’re heart is processing everything so far. We’re praying for you. We love you both.

  10. Catherine January 2, 2011 at 2:32 pm #

    Becky, you don’t know me and I don’t know you apart from your husband’s tweets and the fellowship of the gospel…but, my heart has been been with you both for the last two weeks. I have prayed upon every remembrance of you and will continue to do so. I don’t know why God has burdened my heart so for a couple I’ve never met, but I believe it’s because He uses prayer to accomplish His good purposes and has allowed me to partake in this prayer-filled journey with you. I also know that God is using your strength, resiliency, joy, faith, and complete trust to encourage and boost mine. So, thank you for being open and communicative about what God is using to shape you into a more useful instrument for His glory and others’ good. May God give you the desires of your heart!

  11. Kristin Tabb January 2, 2011 at 8:37 pm #

    Hey Becky — I’m so sorry that it didn’t happen! We have been keeping posted on the process via facebook and were so excited for you.You will be such an amazing mom someday, and all that much more grateful for your children. This is a severe faith test I’m sure. Satan wants to kill your faith through this, but God has good plans for you and Nick. Praying for you!

  12. Kelly Douglas January 14, 2011 at 8:15 am #

    I do not know you, my husband follows your husband on twitter, and he told me about you. My husband and I went through something similar this past year. We met with a birth mother last Nov and planned and prepared for the birth of our daughter,then on June 18 our little girl was born we held her at the hospital for 2 days then the birth mother changed her mind. My heart breaks for you both and you are in our prayers. Please feel free to contact me anytime if you need to talk to someone who knows what you are going through. God is gracious and I know it is only Him who has brought us this far.
    kellylynndouglas@yahoo.com

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