Adoption Update :: Waiting

This is a hard post to write. Which is probably why it’s been awhile since I have written.  I don’t want to complain about our adoption situation when I hear of so many harder adoption processes. But then I also don’t want to make light of my own feelings in our unique process. The Laparra process.

Our profile has been made available to birth moms for two months now. Not very long. But to a yearning mother, it’s a terrible long time. I’m sure there are many of you out there that know what I mean. I have no time line. I know when we started this process (January of this year) but the end is no where in sight. I can’t begin to tell you how much that fact has filled me with unbearable anxiety, pain, excitement, and confusion. It also fills me with feelings of doubt: Are we not good enough? Did we not fill something out right? Did we make our Christian beliefs too evident? Is the agency even really showing our profile? I hate doubt because I know none of that is true.

I honestly thought we would have a child by Christmas. Christmas is not many days away, and I know God could do something like that, but my heart doesn’t think so. How glorious would it be to have a child for a Christmas gift? I can’t fathom how I would feel if that happened.

So what do I do while I wait?  A friend suggested that Nick and I start putting our nursery together, and while I want to do that, I’m afraid I couldn’t handle it right now. Yes, we are waiting for a child, but there isn’t even one on the horizon. My heart is fragile and I’m trying to protect it in ways that I can. But what if it helps? How do I know?

If only this part was not so long. Would it make adoption less sweet? I have so much to learn and so far to go. I don’t regret taking the steps toward adoption right now and I would do this all over again, all the way up to this point. It’s been an incredible journey. I’m just praying my heart stays intact until that blissful moment when I meet my child. Then I know I’ll completely fall apart. But I’ll be ready for that. And I will keep waiting for the child that God has for us.

Oh, what a day that will be.